In Pursuit of Happiness...

"Like the Legend of the Phoenix..."

I was an individual that was defined by my failures. I was defined by my limits and all my efforts were dedicated to challenging the cast that society had imposed on me. The inner rebel in me always sought to break shackles and forge the road ahead, rather than take the one most taken. I found great pride in creating my own rubric of assessment; The system I sought to create was to be one of utmost parity, one that helped identify individuals based on what choices they made and why. Employing this system led me into becoming someone who got along just perfectly with everyone but also sentient enough to feel alone in the company of others. I didn’t do a great job of staying in touch with people, though I did have a penchant for making connections. I was a ‘Jack of all Trades’ that drifted through society. For a brief time, I believed this a case of elevated intellect only to realize it was rather through a disconnect in the desire to conform to the rat race of modern society. Success was fleeting and failures hurt. The reward wasn’t as gratifying but the pain seemed to always be just as bad if not worse; At my lowest, I had one simple thought…. Why try?

"All Ends with Beginnings..."

"What keeps the Planet spinning..."

I was taught to lean on fundamental systems; Systems that society assumes to be omnipresent or infallible including but not limited to... a stable family, apt school environment, etc. What society fails to acknowledge is that these support systems are all constantly in flux: they are composed of individuals involved in their own learning curves that affect the state of these systems. For me, the biggest challenge to understanding the human experience - and consequent contributor to my exponential growth - was in the realization that my parents were flawed. A completely normal human condition, yet one that shakes the foundations of your being. We function on the idea of delayed gratification and eternal sacrifice. Sacrifice is preached as the only acceptable penance. Expectations in combination with proximal sacrifices form the unconscious traps of society. I believed it my karmic and dharmic duty to meet these expectations because that was the preached way. "You want to be successful? Sacrifice. We sacrificed so much to get here. All we ask is for you to succeed. So here are our expectations for you. Live up to them."

"The force from the beginning... hmm, love"

Love and time rationalizes toxicity. My parents are my heroes... If someone told me I can end up being half the human being of either, I would have taken that reality with both hands; But in wanting to make that choice lies the detriment of putting someone on a pedestal. The consequence of the aforementioned selflessness was that I in turn was forced to live up to expectations as a cost for their collective sacrifice. This intense conditioning of yearning for their approval had morphed into an innate need of keeping those around me perfectly happy all the time (an impossible feat!). My happiness became contingent on those around me. And hidden here is an absolute truth to know: Reality, contingent on expectation, will always let you down. Thus, through numerous cycles of exposure to the same stimuli… I lost my grounding in life. Why was I doing all this? What was I getting from all this? Was it happiness? Was it approval? Does happiness guarantee success? Or is it the other way around? A wavering focus kept me from taking a step in the right direction; or any direction at all. The fear of failure crippled any desire to try; A slippery spiral that led to depression and self-harming thoughts. And that moment in time, steeped in helplessness, I realized I had hit rock bottom.

"We've come too far..."

“Have you no fear of failing?” - I always caught myself asking the society accepted "Greats" that seemed oblivious to the restrictions of fear. And in the answer to that question, gleaned after 23 years of grappling, lies the spiritual grounding that I seek to share. Upon introspection, I realized I was deterred by the probability of the end result, whilst the great only cared about the process and their involvement. While I was worried about the consequences to my actions, the great only worried about the belief that powered them. In success and in defeat, they recovered better and hence, positioned themselves to leave a lasting mark every time they step into the hallowed boundaries of their craft. With the growth mindset, they are able to enter as humans and leave the game to be revered as gods: Even if that was not their dream. All of us are pushed to be great. Yet few realize that greatness is seeded in how much of your inner self manifests in what you do. The great never set out to be great; Their only intention being to tug on the thread that pulls them further into their journey of self-discovery. The emotion being pursued is joy and not happiness; An innate sense of fulfillment that is contingent only on the passion powering the process and not results.

"To give up who we are..."

Why is it so difficult to be you? It is impossible to equate learning experiences of different people; We can only draw similarities in perspective or conditioning but never will it be that both are found to be identical. Successes and failures are unique to a particular individual, as are the circumstances associated with any learning curve. Yet, all of us are forced into systems that compare us to the average. Society functions like a computer - completely binary (processed as bits of 1s and 0s) - where each human experience is evaluated through a sequence of their successes and failures. The irony of this construct is that society is devoid of one of the vital qualities that make us human: Empathy. We as human beings are all products of conditioning. We are taught in the ways to react or the various systems of conditioning are designed to do so. The choices we make and the way we respond to stimuli comes from thoughts that drive action based on previous experiences. This inevitably has led to the most important aspect of the learning experience to being how we process the results; Be it success or failure. Consequently, hindering the one requirement required to be great, originality.

"So let's raise the bar..."

Why is it harder to be someone else? It befuddles me that society imposes the constraints of this binary assessment in every challenge it presents. Redundant exposure to such constraints severely limits the power of human intelligence; We impose boundaries and qualitative estimates on what is most ideal. Intelligence is viewed as an assigned and fixed quantity that can be ‘measured’ through means like an IQ test. On exposure to the various stimuli associated with success and defeat, we are quick to impose restrictions on our capabilities and severely blight any chances for self-discovery let alone development. Success is defined by societal optics that gauge success based on the average human experience; Finish school by 17, college by 21, grad school by 23... I could go on and society definitely does. Its own chronic conditioning has led to the assignment of a degree of finality to the results from any learning experience. And with every missed deadline, Life pushes you closer to the End of the Road; one that ends at the precipice of rock bottom.

"And our cups to the stars..."

It is natural to want success as a constant comfort for the act of sacrificing dreams. However, it is vital to note that this need manifests insatiably. Circumstances saw that I was forced into committing to the pursuit of success, as I'm sure much of you are. To the voice inside me, the agony of such an existence proved to be unsustainable; and so I delved deep into my pursuit of understanding my place in reality. I used to cower in the fear of failure, and wished I could cherish the opportunities that challenge me. I used to give in to things that pushed me down, and lie in wait, for chances to push back. The negative stimuli associated with the finality of success and failure would always exist and hence, I wished to be better equipped in my reactions. When I was at my lowest, I knew there was plenty to remind me that this was the end of the road and yet, I hoped only for a chance at forging my own way forward.

"The present has no rhythm..."

Absolute truths are always obscured in the simplest forms. As I write this, I realize much of this has to potential to fly by shrouded in obscurity... But the intention to share these thoughts comes with the hope that I can help you start to make sense of the chaos that is life; On your own terms and with your own absolute truths. I needed to earn the perspective to comprehend them for what they meant. I remember being exasperated at the "lazy" attempts I was prescribed at early doors -"Just be", "Meditate", "the present has no rhythm", "Listen to the voice in the silence". Bruh, How? But you see, therein lied the problem, I was obsessed with the "How?" in a bid to attain the result of the discovery process. When I was begging the voice in the silence to tell me what I needed to hear, I failed to listen. The importance of moving on from asking "How" to "Why": That led to the growth mindset. As a result, the same aforementioned truths made a little more sense with each further inquisition. For example, letting go and realizing that the present has no rhythm, saved me from the madness of assigning one to it.

"Your gift keeps on giving..."

Truth can be heard but is not guaranteed to be listened to. Truth is earned.

Society expects success. Happiness is contingent on it. Neither is fulfilling.

Joy is independent of the outcome. Joy is in the process.

Discover joy and you unlock a richer way of living, being.

Life is difficult. Life is short.

Travel. Meet plenty of people.

Learn as much as you can.

Share and revel in the euphoria.

Wait for the voice in the silence.

Listen to the voice in the silence.

In the end, be you.

Just be.

Be.

"What is this I'm feeling?..."

Would you believe I smiled for the first time in July 2020? Like truly. Flaws and all. No sadness in the eyes. Tears of joy streamed down my face, because I had finally acknowledged the existence of being that was crying for help all along. I didn't think I was capable of such emotion. And it came from a simple exercise, empathizing with the person in the mirror; A being that was shunned in pursuit of happiness. As seen with those we consider fundamental to our lives, I think our innate need to form connections with others is a manifestation of this need for validation. Somewhere through the millennia of breeding the most clingy and loving golden retrievers ever, we forgot that we are completely capable of the act of self-love too. So it doesn't surprise me that the world today is less capable of empathy... How would people connect to another's struggle when they can't even recognize their own calls for help?

"If you wanna leave, I'm with it, ah..."

Life's euphoria is hidden in its rewards for being oneself. The intense melancholy that constantly haunted my life was seeded in my own denial to be the one person I am actually equipped to be: me. When I truly listened within, I stumbled upon answers to questions I had been posing to the world around me. And in writing this, I hope to empower those that are going through similar struggles in life. My truth will not be your truth; But it could lead you down the path that gives you respite and more. If you got this far, and are looking for more, I'll leave you with the beginning to a song and the promise of always being available in case you need me. But after all this, I seriously doubt you need me or the hope to Get Lucky. You already have all you need to be you.

*Cue Nile Rodgers*

"Like the Legend of the Phoenix, huh...

All ends with beginnings..."